i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
