My friends, they love my intelligence
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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