i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
