tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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