Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
