just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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