Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
