When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
