my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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