I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
i've created a new STD.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
