hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I just googled if crying burns calories
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
