Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
