I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
