Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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