At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
