Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
