If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
