Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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