that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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