with your own penis?
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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