So drunk its hurt
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Randomize
