I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
