My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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