My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
