What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
