Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
i now understand why vodka
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
