i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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