I wanna bring you to show and tell
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
