Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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