dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
