I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
