Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
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