Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
