Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
there is puke in my bra ... again
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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