i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
