I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
