Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
