take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Found your dick twin last night
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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