I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
