I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
