You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
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