batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
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