I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
