if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
