nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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