no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
