I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
