I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
