I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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