a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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